when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
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Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.