when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
I have two kinds of followers
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.