when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
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What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
A roof is a house hat.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*