When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
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Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I do not read.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
“FRAAANCE!”
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Hey you mystery solving kids, your dog talks. Have you ever considered the possibility that he too is a cranky old dude in a rubber mask?
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.