When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
tis the season
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
“Worm Regards”
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat