When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
OMG 🤣🤣
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.