When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My son found me crying in the kitchen, wrapped his arms around me and whispered, “Is it because of your hair?” Now I’m crying for two reasons.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
go easy on yourself <3
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
lost dog
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.