When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
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The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
Person: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve had at least one cup of coffee.
Me: Don’t talk to me in the morning until I’ve pet at least four dogs.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Man sits by me on train.
MAN: Loads of psychopaths around here
ME: Really?
MAN: Loads mate
ME: How’d you know?
MAN: There’s signs aren’t there?
ME: I guess?
MAN: I love them
(47 minutes of awkward silence.)
Man leaves train, he has a bike. I realise he was saying ‘cycle paths’.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
This 4th of July, please remember…
Today I learned when you check into a Doubletree they greet you with a freshly made chocolate chip cookie from the cookie warming drawer behind the check-in desk, and if some giant soulless corporate conglomerate thinks they can bribe me with a cookie they are five huge stars