When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*