When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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My son came out as gay recently, I told him that it is all OK (of course) and that I always knew. Truth is I didn’t have a fucking clue. I thought the other one was gay, and he’s now had three kids with three women. I’m the owner of the world’s least accurate Gaydar.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
it be like that
my first dose meeting my second
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
a lot to unpack here
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
January is lasting longer than my marriage
It’s Mental Health Day today.
– Sent from the app that literally causes anxiety.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out