Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
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My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
This could’ve been an email.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA