When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
You Might Also Like
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Just a friendly reminder!
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.