Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

5: I can count to 90!

Me: Really? Show me!

5: Ok here we go…

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90

Me: Nailed it.

I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.

Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*

The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”

For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.