When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
The Assassin.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.