When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.