When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
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A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Hamburger Hinderer.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.