When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
I hit a curb and my 7yo said, “that curb hit your car.” You know what? I agree because that curb attacked us. It came out of nowhere.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.