When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.