When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
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me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Be the one that gets asked to remove the hockey mask, during a conference call, on Friday the 13th.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
NASA has no chill
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*