When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
You Might Also Like
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Need this in my life lol
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.