When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
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4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
