“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Bringing home a sharpie
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?