Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.

I think I’ll stand

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.

I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am

*army rises out of ball pit*

dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?

[they point to bob]

dark lord: you the man, bob

My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.

He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.

I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.