Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The inventor of predictive text has died.

His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

Me: Can I have $5?

Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?

Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”

“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”

“Kids, I found a campsite!”

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever

Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.

[inventing chalk]

We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.

Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.

We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”

“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.

some things should go without saying

It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight

Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.

Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.

Suburban life is a roller coaster.

When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

me linking you to my twitter

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second