Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Still my favourite meme.

Net flips and krill?

– killer whale text

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]

ME: *takes picture of my home screen*

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune

[Toothpaste Laboratory]

Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?

Will you be my 14th most used emoji?

*sees monster truck

*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!

He: I asked about the perfect date.

My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

[Riding carousel]

Her: um, we should move on

Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.

I’m going to be productive today

I’m going to be duct tiv

duct tav

duct tape

I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today

COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE

“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”

COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me