When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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saw this in a dream
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Besides an apple, Adam and Eve took a bite of a pear, peach and banana. They were the four bitten fruits
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃