Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

[gets on Facebook]

[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]

[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

To all the people who blocked me and can see my tweets I want to say that making your own chicken, beef, and seafood stock is a rewarding experience. They can be used for more than bases for soups but as a flavor booster in many recipes and can take your cooking to another level

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?

There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.

*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*

Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it

Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.

ME: So what do you do?

DATE: I’m a chef in the army.

ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.

HER: *already in an Uber

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*

Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.

Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?

Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?

4: oh, it’s probably mine.

Me: probably?

Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…

…because chaos.

[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.

I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

them: how are you

you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal