When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
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Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
My son to me, describing waking up without clothes on in the hospital after surgery when he was 6: “You have no idea what it feels like to wake up naked in a strange bed with no idea how you got there.”
Me: “Sure I don’t.”
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…