When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
💀🤣
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Boating season is upon us.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International