Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?

Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.

Mike:

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco

Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.

Friend: That’s not the saying!

Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!

let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off

Her: I want you to choke me daddy

Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth

Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.

My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.

Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?

Me: It’s the symbol for love

Swallow: What about mine?

Me: Umm, true love.

I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment

The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol