When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
If I don’t cause an explosion when I’m cremated my life has been a total waste.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Kid Me: “I can’t wait till I become an adult, then I can stay up past 10:00pm”
Adult me at 9:30pm: “Zzzzzzzz”
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Time heals everything 🙂
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed