When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Who needs an Air Fryer?
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.