When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Still cracks me up
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her