When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.