Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.

Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?

If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”

Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?

Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here

Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.

Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*

“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.