When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
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the prophecy has been fulfilled
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
My wife complains when mosquitoes get into the house, but she gets super mad when I release bats in the living room. Make up your mind, woman!
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂