Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?

People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.

The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in June

Me: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price

Mom:-

Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

interviewer: describe yourself

me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person

interviewer: ok

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.

Nobody:

Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?

Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep

gryffindor: i only want the bravest

slytherin: i only want the most cunning

ravenclaw: i only want the smartest

hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.

When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down

[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”

Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything

I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.

Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

starting a garage orchestra