When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
