When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
who is hiring in nyc? i need 350k a year and i have no skills and im not likable most days
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
