When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I created you as mosquito food.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
