Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: never meet your heroes

also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please

You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.

My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12

Me: Are you mad at me?

Wife: Eventually.

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages

Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?

Astronomer: No, comet.

Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:

I don’t call myself pesky for nothing

Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*

I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.

*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”

🤣😂🤣😂

“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie

Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

sign of the times 🖊

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher

I only sleep with people who make me laugh.

Luckily, I find myself hilarious.

Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’

Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this