when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
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Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
So that’s what we looked like?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Science memes
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house