when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
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Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs
Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Me My dog
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
the dark web is just a goth google.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot