when i say “i hate drama” i mean i hate being involved in drama. other ppl drama? big fan
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me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ