When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
You Might Also Like
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.