Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A face that lunched a thousand chips.

Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.

Me: You want me to save the titanic too?

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets

[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally

If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report

I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”

Flex on a demon by possessing it first.

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix

I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?

I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.