when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
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I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!
Me: Well, can’t we send them this?
Parents: Go to your room.
Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Weighing up my bread heating options
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
all that yoga finally paid off
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?