“How do you do, fellow birds?”
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You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process