when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
🍞🦆
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on