Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.

[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]

[scientist decodes message in the signal]

“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”

Looking to sell my DeLorean. Great shape, low mileage. Only driven from time to time

You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

them: PTSD

my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder

You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]

Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic

I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.

It’s a great way to meet chicks.

I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.

I wish more places gave out stickers like the ones you get for voting. “I got a colonoscopy!” “I got a mammogram!” “I got a pap smear!” “I got a prostate exam!”

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.

I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.

(Art Museum)

Me:*sees nature painting*

*pulls out sharpie*

*draws sun in the top left corner*

My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice

The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.

KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here

ME: Oh no!

WIFE: Talk to him

ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE

New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf