When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
You Might Also Like
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend