When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent
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No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
You can use an egg timer to tell you when your egg is cooked perfectly. For brown rice you can use a calendar.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.