Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one

Good for him.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?

Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call

Life is a suicide mission.

Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.

Me: Wanna bet?

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.

But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.

I think I found my spirit animal.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

“How do you find anything in here?!”

-my mugger, giving my purse back

No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???

If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.

Him: why do you keep poking me ?

Her: I’m looking for the mute button

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*

[Year 2090]

A teenager unwraps a birthday present

“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations

Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*