When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
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[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
you’re not fooling anyone
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good