When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
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The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
nobody sighs louder than an unemployed, debt-free dog who spends at least 16 hours a day sleeping
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.