When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
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Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Putting tin foil on my beard to cover the leftovers that fall in there.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
this 4 hour meeting could have just been someone pulling my finger nails off one by one with pliers.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
People are so nosy. “What’s your name” “who is your primary care physician” “do you have health insurance” mind your beezwax
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Schools be like ok it’s the last week and a world fair so bring a dish from a country you’ve never heard of to feed 75 people at 745 am.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG