Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.

If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.

*Sad trombone noise*

Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”

Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.

[God creating octopus]

Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks

God: Crap. What’s left?

Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks

God: Hmmm..

If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.

He’s got some nerve.

The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor

Britain be like

How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?

Flipper coin.

#DolphinDay

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.

70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.