Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

*puts on new Fitbit*

*steps on scales*

Welp, this is bullshit!

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!

my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice

Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward

There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.

I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’

waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?

me: no no I’ll find it thanks

I will punch you in the face.

OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

I hate all this sex on the TV

I keep falling off.

“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”

Wild horses could easily drag me away.

Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.

A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.

I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*