When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
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My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.
Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
found this cool rock hiking today
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?