Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*

Him: *Drives away*

Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”

Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.

“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.

You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.

9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?

me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.

9yo: like clothes?

me: no they don’t have clothes there.

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.

When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.

If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

*finds a corpse in the house*

Oh great, more cleaning.

Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.

Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..

Driveway when it snows