Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

Girls Just Want To Have Naan

Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?

It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man

When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?

Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*

*two hours later*

Me: LIAR!

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.

my gf left me cuz i’m insecure

never mind she’s back she went pee

5: I miss Mama’s food.

Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.

5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.

Me: oh.

5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

me: can i be frank for a sec

boss: sure

frank: thank you

“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”

If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.

the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:

“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”

– Karen

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.