when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
IT guy: How much Internet do you need?
My folks: 10,000