Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

*Rap battle*

Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.

I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.

McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?

Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?

Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.

weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel

ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!

CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No

twitter: Canadians are so nice

Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap

OKAY DAD

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

How many vultures circling you is good luck?

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.