When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
You Might Also Like
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
If anyone wants my boiling water recipe dm me
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes