When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story