When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
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“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”