When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You Might Also Like
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Just a small bowl of cereal to take the edge off.
*grabs mixing bowl*
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.