When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
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I am having an out of money experience.
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Bear knowledge
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“That’s what” – She
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The perfect Venn diagram doesn’t exis-
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.