When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Said the murderer.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders