When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
KFC hitting the cannibal market
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
😂😂
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
