When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
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Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.