Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

Remember that it’s “i before e” …

Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?

I told my doctor I have a problem with my left ear.

“Are you sure?”

I replied, “Yeah, I’m definite.”

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

waiter: *murdering me*

me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine

Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus

My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”

If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.

[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did

[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”

Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.