Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”

*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds

Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.

Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”

The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.

Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him