When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.